Scars

So the big question is... why the two month hiatus from the blog? To answer that I would refer you back to the title of this post- Scars. In particular Jason's brand new shiny scar on his back. This turn of events has put our family in crisis mode for the last two months and we are hopefully beginning to come out of it a little bit. I will know explain what has been going on and since this is a rather long story I thought I would put some random pictures from our end of the summer and fall interspersed throughout in case anyone gets bored reading...

Sometime closer to the beginning of this year Jason started having some back pain. Nothing major- just noticeable and it came and went. He was able to continue on with life as usual. He even ran his first 5K in May. By June- it was worse and he started physical therapy which he did all summer and actually had some improvement. Sometime around mid September, it got worse again to the point where we were in the tedious process of trying to get an MRI scheduled. On Sept. 27th Jason woke up in the morning and couldn't move and he felt like his left leg was on fire or he couldn't feel parts of it at all. It got a teensy better at the day went on but by Friday- he literally couldn't move. So came the most wonderful person Carla Hagan to our rescue and watched the girls and Jason and I went to his Dr. for an MRI and an appt. Now would be the time for me to say how much I dislike everyone at Jason's Dr.'s office- always have. The whole experience stunk. They poked at him and made him try and bend in ways he couldn't while he fought back tears and I tried to glue myself to the seat so I wouldn't punch someone for hurting him. He couldn't sit so he had to lay in the floor of the waiting room while we waited for the MRI. I had brought every pain killer we had in the house (when you have had kidney stones and two C sections you build up a supply) with me and made him take them so he could try and lay flat for the scan. It was here we met the first nice person for the day who finally took pity on him laying in the floor of the waiting room and hurried us back and did the quickest MRI I have ever seen. The results= BAD. Central disc herniation causing severe spinal cord compression. We went back upstairs to the stupid Dr.'s office and they said "well we will show this to a neurosurgeon Monday" and sent Jason home with loads of drugs. Again, I almost punched someone for their lack of concern about him. We sat/ laid there for a while trying to decide if we should go to the Emergency Room but ultimately went home to wait until Monday. In retrospect, this is where I made a mistake. We probably should have gone but no one else seemed to think it appropriate and I am not an expert on adult spinal cord problems. Now its time for a picture break.

In September we went to Florida with my family. It rained alot but we had a great time. 

Hannah Kate loved the sand

Parker being buried. Also you can see Jason could still sit down at this point in time. He can't do that now...

Ridiculously cute

The bunk beds were a highlight of the trip for the girls

So we left the office and I immediately called my mother and told her to get on a plane (which she did because she is awesome). Jason spent the weekend in agonizing pain and slowly losing the ability to pee. I had to work Sunday night so I went and sometime that weekend our dear friend Marcos mentioned to us something called cauda equina syndrome. Marcos is a family practice physician and said he was worried Jason was developing this based on the SAME information we had to Jason's Dr. here. So, thanks to wise advice from Marcos, Monday morning I got home from work, took a shower, and off to the ER we went. I had now been awake for 24 hours and it had been a good 12 hours since Jason has been able to go potty. He immediately got himself a catheter (which he will tell you in great detail if you so desire how horrible this was), some narcotics, and a call to a neurosurgeon. He absolutely had cauda equina syndrome which is a medical emergency he would be having surgery as soon as possible. By the time we got transferred to a room it was mid afternoon and any ounce of sanity I had left was without a doubt gone and the emotions I had left were not positive ones. Jason fortunately was well medicated and drifting in and out of coherency. 

Then we waited for the surgeon knowing Jason's surgery was most likely going to very late that night. I have not had too much experience dealing with adult hospitals. But let me tell you this- they have something to learn from Children's hospitals. With each and every experience we had I was frustrated beyond belief. And this is a good hospital. Without a doubt our first choice (and still is).  While we were waiting, Jason's nurse came in to introduce herself. She told us her name and that was about it. She didn't tell us where anything was, anything about the floor, what to expect, etc. (this wouldn't happen at my hospital). She did however tell me I would have to leave at 9pm which is most likely when Jason would be in surgery. I informed her that no, in fact I wasn't leaving as he would be in surgery and I wasn't leaving him right after someone sliced his back open. Her response to me was "Well rules are rules". Now let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen. If any of you are nurses or are thinking about becoming nurses, you should erase this phrase from your vocabulary. Fortunately for  this nurse we had a friend from church visiting so I didn't scream at her. Instead in my exhaustion I cried and told her there was no way I was leaving so she would have to find a way for me to stay.... I won. (Side note- Jason during all of this is still heavily drugged).

Finally the surgeon came that evening. He told us how bad Jason's injury was and that it needed to be fixed immediately. He was nice. But then he proceeded to tell Jason all the things he would never be able to do again- ever. Run or any exercise high impact, lift heavy things, shovel snow, lift suitcases, sit for more than 30 minutes at a time, etc. As both of us are sitting there shocked he then delivered the final blow which was that Jason should never ever pick up his children again. Ever. Jason, not being able to take anymore, broke down. As did I. And then he went on and on and on about how bad it was on your back to pick up your kids. 

He might as well have told Jason not to be father anymore. Jason is the best father in the whole wide world and one of the things he loves is holding the girls, playing superman, wrestling, etc. This was most certainly an unexpected blow. After the surgeon left, we tried to regain composure and focus on getting through surgery. 

They came and got him around 8pm. They let me say goodbye to him in the pre op area. Right before they took him they gave him some versed and I watched the anxiety finally melt off his face. I have only ever seen Jason well drugged one other time and that was when his wisdom teeth were removed. If you know Jason, you know he is a talker... but when he is heavily medicated he never stops talking. He also only talks about two things- his family and Jesus. So what does Jason do? He raised his hands up in the air and gave the benediction in his nice loud voice to the entire pre op area and then gave a blessing to the surgeon, anesthesiologist, and every nurse in there. It was hilarious and he has absolutely no recollection of it. 

The girls were the three fairies from sleeping beauty for Halloween. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. My mom made the costumes and they were some amazingly AWESOME!!!!! Here are Fauna and Flora. 

She didn't like her costume so much. She is smiling here because I am about to give her a lollipop. 

A few hours later it was all over. I now hadn't slept since Saturday night and it was 1am Tuesday morning. I thought I was going to die from exhaustion. While Jason was in recovery I went back up to his room to wait on him since they wouldn't let me go back (also wouldn't have happened in a Children's hospital). I knew he was coming as soon as he hit the floor because I could hear him talking from all the way down the hall. He was sharing the gospel with his OR nurses. Evidently he woke up singing Holy Holy Holy downstairs and then tried to make friends with the lady laying next to him who had just had her appendix out. His OR nurses also already knew our whole life story- how long we had been married, all about our kids, etc. Jason saw me and asked me if he was talking too much. I said yes, but that didn't stop him. Eventually he told me all his stories and around 2 or 3 we got to close our eyes.

The next day we actually got to go home. Jason had to go home with a catheter for at least a week because of the damage done to the nerves of his bladder. He also could literally do nothing but walk for 6 weeks. He could sit for 15 minutes at a time- for meals and otherwise he had to stand or lay down. He could lift nothing over 8 pounds and couldn't bend, lift, or twist at all. The typical nerve recovery time (if they recover at all) was at least a year. Jason wasn't in pain anymore but couldn't feel too much below the waist particularly his left leg. But he could walk and so we left.

And so Jason followed his directions to the letter. He was able to get his catheter out a little over a week later which made him sooooo happy.  Jason usually stays at home with the girls at least one day/ week so we had to have some member of our family here pretty much constantly for 6 weeks. My mom stayed a long time, Jason's parents, my grandparents, and my Dad and his wife all took a turn so I could go to work.

The impact of this on all of us has been huge. All 3 of the girls have had a hard time and don't truly understand why Daddy can't hold them and chase them, etc. It has been hard on me. But most of all on Jason. It has been almost 8 weeks and he is better but still very weak. He still is numb. After he came home from the hospital I was so shocked I never realized how much smaller the muscles in his left leg had gotten as he must have lost muscle mass over the summer. He can hold Hannah Kate now but still can't hold the girls and can't give them a bath. (We basically told the surgeon he is going to pick up and hold his kids... its a risk we are going to take). Simple tasks like getting something from the bottom of the fridge are hard and his movements have to be thought out. He can't sit in a meeting anymore, he has to stand for it. Sitting through church is really hard. He wasn't prepared nor was I for the slowness of the recovery process.

Throughout all of this, we have seen quite the outpouring of love. Our families came from hundreds of miles away to help with the girls, our small group and friends from both of our jobs brought us meals, and the Seminary helped us out immensely as Jason's job gives him no sick time or vacation time. Jason is currently taking his LAST class for his PhD and even his teacher was incredibly understanding about his 6 week absence from class.

We went to a "Princess Tea Party" at the Magic House. Parker and Emma Jane had fun but were totally skeptics. They told me the whole time that "girl" wasn't really Cinderella. 

Our friend Maggie got to come with us! 

So there you have it in more detail than any one actually cares about. Prayers for Jason's continued recovery are welcome as we are still unsure how much feeling he is going to get back.
There are more reasons as to why these past two months have been crazy but those will have to wait for the next post! 

4 Years Old

On August 30th Parker and Emma Jane turned 4. We had their birthday party a few days before which confused the heck out of them. They thought the party was their actual birthday and then on their birthday they insisted they already had a birthday... Anyway, the party this year was a crayon party. It turned out great. We papered the walls, had coloring books galore, crayons of every shape and size and color, and the most colorful food I could find. My mom was able to come too which was really special. Almost all of their little friends were there and miraculously no furniture got colored on. 

As the girls get older they are becoming more different. Parker, always the more emotional of the two, is  either the happiest of little girls or the saddest. She is 95% of the time happy. Parker likes to be silly, tell other people what to do, color, read books, play games, write her name and spell different words- most normal 4 year old things. She lives in her own little world that sometimes it is hard to pull her out of!  Emma Jane is a little more reserved with her emotions. She wants to be the best at everything and gets mad when she can't do it right the first time. She is very mothering which is so sweet. She is also very taken with older people which makes me nervous for when she gets older. She also loves coloring, books, and singing. 

Both the girls have started ballet and they love it and I love their teacher. They are staying home with me one more year because of their late birthday. In Missouri you have to turn 5 by August 1st to start kindergarten which means they will have to wait until they are almost 6. Jason and I saw no need for two years of preschool which means I get them for another year which I am very thankful for.  Anyway, here are some pictures from the party!  

Handcrafted by me and my mother

Rainbow punch

The cake made my Jason! It was magnificent. 

The one thing Parker wanted for her birthday was a hula hoop. She was so excited when she got it! 

Pictures from the Summer

Here are some random pictures from the summer... ballet, bbq with friends, visiting the arch, building towers, and hanging out with old friends. I am so sad summer is almost over. We have had so much fun!!

First day of ballet

Learning to use a light saber

Touching the arch

Stuck in Hannah Kate's bath seat

Hannah Kate likes to snuggle

A little tower building before church

She refused to put her dress back on and insisted on wearing Parker's boots. What you can't appreciate from the picture is that her chest is glistening with hot dog grease. 

Four amazing ladies together again for the first time in five years

Eight Years and Counting....or Happy Anniversary

Bear with me here.  If you really can’t handle reading something longer then a tweet then here are the cliff notes

Mary Jane = awesome

But for those of you who know me and know that twenty characters will never be enough to encapsulate my thoughts on a subject, and for those of you who care…go ahead and read the long version.  It took me eight years of marriage to get to this point, I think I am entitled to a few paragraphs to try and sum up how I feel about it.  That said, I won’t be offended if you don’t read them.  Unless your name is Mary Jane Broge.  Then my feelings will be hurt.

This is where I write something about thanking God for the most amazing wife anyone could ever have and everyone thinks it sweet, and some people reading think its oddly public, and a few others realize they said the same thing about their wife or husband on Facebook, or in their blog, or in their anniversary card just a few days/weeks/months ago because…well, that is what you are supposed to say, unless you are a cold heartless jerk.  And while there are some people in the world who firmly believe that I am indeed a cold heartless jerk, I tend to think I probably am not and so of course I am going to say this too.

And yet it seems so inadequate.  These words that are uttered by everyone cannot possibly do justice to how I feel about Mary Jane, to how I feel about our marriage.

But of course, that is how every young and in love couple feels.  When you meet that perfect special soul mate the two of you instinctually know that nobody else has really understood what love is, and nobody understands what the two of you have and….  Rarely do you admit to feeling and thinking this way, but everyone around you knows it, they hear it in your voice the subtle “you wouldn’t understand.”  Eventually you wake up from this to understand that you aren’t the only one to understand what love is, this has happened billions of times before and will happen billions of times again (assuming Jesus doesn’t come again right now….um…he hasn’t yet because I am still writing and you are still reading so…..nope not yet, if he comes soon then that last sentence might not be true, but for now…just go with it).  It’s nothing new.  Your love is not unique, it is quite common.

And this realization—once it has permeated your very being, once you have truly experienced this realization and are not just parroting it back because it is the right thing to say—is great.  It is at this point you are ready to realize that what you and your spouse have is utterly unique in the midst of its commonness.  It is true that there is no up or down no high or low that is unique to your relationship.  No matter how high the joy or how painful the loss you aren’t the only one throughout the history of man to have had the experience.

And yet…throughout out all of time, throughout all of those similar experiences, it never happened to the two of you.  It is still unique because it is your shared experience and it is the sharing of those experiences and all the every day little mundane ones in-between that has made both of you the unique people you are.  In the midst of the common and the mundane you suddenly realize you really are unique, there really is something shared between the two of you that no language can sum up and that no one will ever fully understand.  The best they can hope to do is compare the similar experiences to their own-shared experiences, but that will only ever be a shadow of what the two of you experienced because your shared experience was shaped by all the experiences you shared before and all the ones you had in preparation for meeting in the first place

In light of all of this, it just possible the clichés can regain their meaning.  It doesn’t matter that everyone and their cousin has told their spouse on Facebook how wonderful they are on their anniversary and how they are the best wife/husband ever, it can still be said and it can still have meaning, because all those other times were about them, and this time it is about us.

And so when I say to you, Mary Jane, that you are the greatest gift God has ever given me and you are the perfect wife, and that there could never ever be anyone else for me you don’t have to compare it to the things other people say, there may be similarities, but none of them understand those words the way we do.  They have their own understandings and we’ll leave them to it.

For me, I am just thankful that ten years ago I met you.  I am so incredibly thankful that a month later you already knew me well enough to know, when nobody else would have, that I was annoyed with you, and you knew why, and you called me on it (for the record…I was wrong).  I am thankful for how well you knew the me of ten years ago, and I am blown away by how much better you know the me of today, and I can’t wait to find out what it is like eight years from now, or eighty—may we be so blessed.

I love that you are the mother of my children—they could have no better mother.  I love how fiercely loyal you are, especially to family.  I love how passionate you are.  I love how smart and beautiful you are.  I love so very many things about you.  But most of all I love us.  I love that that your strengths compliment my weaknesses, and that my strengths compliment yours.  I love going through all life’s greatest joys with you and I love that I am with you when I go through its greatest pains.  And I love that I get to go through all of the middle times with you. 

The mundane is less mundane when it happens with you. 

I love sharing life with you, whether its talking about the stresses of our day or reading stories to the girls or just finally getting thirty minutes to ourselves after the girls have gone to bed and wasting them in front of the tv, I love it all.  I would say that you are my best friend and better half, but those just do not sum it up.  It is so much more.  I love being we, and life is better because of it.

Thank you for saying yes when I asked you out, thank you for saying yes when I proposed and thank you for saying I do.

I made a promise to you on our wedding day.  No, I made a vow.  And it is a vow I have cherished every day since and will continue to cherish and keep long after I have been forced to shuffle off this mortal coil.  You are my beautiful, and I love you.  Happy Anniversary.

PS  I can’t wait to go eat fondue