In their own words

(The following has been meticulously translated from the native language of babies. There are a few portions of this document which were untranslatable. Many do not realize how difficult the native language of babies is. Where as, a language such as Chinese or Japanese is difficult due to the sheer volume of characters involved, babeze (the native language of babies) suffers from the exact opposite problem. In total there are only five “words” and no characters. The use of the word “word” here is perhaps misleading. They are not so much words as emanations of sound which are created in order to provide various meanings. Five is only an approximation. The exact number of sounds is hard to calculate due to the various varieties of baby in existence today. This particular document was translated from a “preemie”. The sounds our translator worked with included: scream, grunt, snort, sigh, meuheheh. What makes babeze particularly hard to translate is that it each sound can be nuanced in countless ways to bring out new and exciting meanings. Things affecting meaning include, but are not limited to, tone, volume, length of sound, repetition, speed, and the contents of their diaper. With a few of these complexities in mind it is hoped you will understand that portions of the document have yet to be translated, and may never be translatable.)

Document A: Baby formerly known as ‘A’ – Miss Mary “Parker” Broge
“sniffle….snort….hungry…tired…need to poop, need to poop, need to poop, need to poop….yawn…..hmmm…..stretch stretch stretch…owowowow…must get arms out…stretch…stretch…arms are free….freeeeee….ehh….ehhh….meuheheh….too free…bundle me up….bundle me up….BUNDLE ME UP….sigh…thanks…..sleep…yawn…hmm….need to poop….needtopoopneedtopoop….NeedToPoopNeedToPoop…..NEEDTOPOOPNEEDTOPOOPNEEDTO….ahh…sigh…ew….help here….need a little help here….assistance please…change…change…CHANGE….CHANGE…thanks…sniffle…grunt…hungry…tired…yawn…hmmm…stretch…hold me….HOLD ME…please hold me…thank you…sigh….sigh…hey…hey….heyheyhey…whereyougoing? whereyougoing? CanIgo?CanIgo?....megomegomegomego….pleaseplease….mommy….mommy….who are you…oh yeah….daddy….sigh…..stretch….stretchstretchstretch…owowowo…must get arms out…stretch…stretch…arms are free….freee…I’m king of the world…..errrr…I’m queen of the world….er….I’m princess of the world…

er…I’m flying….I’m….I’m…I’m not bundled up. Meuhehe. Bundle me up…..bundlemeup…bundlebundlebundlebundle….ahhh…sigh…better….hey….hey…hey…whereareyougoing?....canIgo….pleasepleaseplease….ooh a monkey….grunt…snort….yawn” (document appears to repeat after this)

Document B: Baby formerly known as ‘B’ – Miss “Emma Jane” Broge
“Dearest Mother and Father. Thank you for bringing me into this world. It should be known that it was not my idea to enter this stage a life in such a dramatic and premature fashion. The sibling which was being knitted together next to me in the womb is entirely to blame for this misadventure. All in all she is good sort of baby, however she is a bit too… meuheheh…for my taste. I suppose we all have our crosses to bear, and she may be mine. Never fear parents, I will do my best to bring her up to emulate me, but you should prepare yourself for what is inevitably going to be a long difficult road. Do not worry about me, I shall continue down the path I have started on, until I feel as though my erstwhile sibling is getting entirely too much of the attention in this family unit, at which point I shall do something unexpectedly drastic and terrible in a bid to get the attention of you my parents, and in my own eyes your love. But do not be too hard on yourselves. You are both excellent examples of parents. You have some flaws, but remember you have only been parents for a few short weeks, where I have been a baby my entire life. In closing let me just assure you that we are both aware of your love for us and we reciprocate that emotion in the highest. Thank you for all you have done for us.
Sincerely, with much love and respect
Your daughter, Emma Jane”